Staring at a mirror has become my daily chore the past few months, which is not entirely my thing. I was always confident about my body. But now, I am at the edge between trying to make myself better and not giving a damn about it. The complication I am going through is scary, enough for me to worry about uncertainties. I don’t usually hate imperfections of my body because I already dealt with tons of insecurities despite some being stuck within the depths of my mind and soul. I like myself because I don’t believe I look unattractive, unpleasing, and unhealthy. Unfortunately, no amount of good words can give me that feeling of being true to myself.
The Way I See Myself
My physical attributes are not something I should be ashamed of. Honestly, before everything went so complicated, I wholeheartedly loved the way that I am. I often told myself that I do not need to change because my body is highly appreciated regardless of its size and shape. But then, when complications came and medical health issues arise, that’s when I figured out that the self-acceptance I was trying to instill in my head was all for a show.
Yes, I might sound so confident about body positivity, but the truth is, I was only trying to fool myself. I know I am not healthy, but I want to believe that I am so that I won’t have to endure some of the required challenges associate with a better self-image. That’s the irony. I convinced myself and the people around me that I am happy with the way I look. I encouraged people to do the same so that they won’t suffer emotionally and mentally. But the reality speaks for itself as some medical complications hit the spot.
I got frustrated and hungry for change that I blamed myself for not trying harder. I condemned myself for losing control. The way I looked at myself is a depiction of hopelessness, sadness, and bitterness. I am trapped with constant anxiety and stress over trying to fight society’s standard of beauty. Then I realized that I had to change myself not because I want to but because I need to. I wanted to change because my health is all that matters.
The Changes I Chose To Go Through
Everybody says that I hold the answers to all my sufferings. And the only way I can make the change happen is to start working on it. So that’s what I did. Since I am overweight, I started to plan out the best ways to lose some pounds to save my overall health from deteriorating.
The first I did was change my lifestyle. Admittedly, it is not an easy process because everything I do already built that personality, confidence, and self-awareness. That’s not something someone can stop doing all of a sudden. I smoke and drink because that’s how I socialize with people. I do not validate those actions, though. But those negative habits became my fortress when I was about to lose my sanity over insecurities and depression. Hanging out, sleeping late, eating unhealthy food, and not exercising are the things I usually practiced to get a hold of so-called “happiness.”
Nevertheless, since I need to change myself, I had to sacrifice the habits that once helped me with my social condition. I let go of those and started paying attention to what my body needs. I became self-conscious with my diet, and I declined activities that are unhealthy. I started practicing some health exercises like yoga and meditation. And so far, those lifestyle alterations provided me the unimaginable sense of commitment and happiness I never thought could exist more simply.
In all fairness, after a couple of months of doing healthy routines provided by my therapist and nutritionist, I am now down to two sizes. The process somehow took a while, and it gets me all frustrated because all I can see are small changes. But that is okay since I know there’s progress in this. I can say that my sacrifices are paying off positively, and I like and appreciate the results.
You Can’t Please Everybody
Though some people think I am a hypocrite because I advocate for body positivity but then changed the way I physically am, I truly understand where they are coming from. Again, I am still rooting for body-image positivity regardless of the backlash. But I must say if there’s a chance to improve, go for it. The changes you make in your body have nothing to do with what you stand for. Loving yourself with all your flaws is okay. But if you want to improve it and make it better for some reason, do not be afraid to change yourself because it is all your overall health that would matter at the end of the day.